There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
