I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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