I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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