Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
