In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
