Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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