so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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