Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Come on in and take your pants off
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