I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
