Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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