why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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