i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
