i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
