New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
