They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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