I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you traded sex for a burrito?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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