i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
