The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
