why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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