half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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