Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
