I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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