Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize