Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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