Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
