Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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