I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
