Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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