mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
