Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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