she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
