i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
