Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize