Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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