explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
