That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
