At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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