I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
