SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
