i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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