i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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