you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
