There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
