Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
