I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
