Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
