Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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