Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
