Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
