I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
