im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
