He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
