dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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