I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
