she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
